He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize