i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
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