Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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