chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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