I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
