Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
