Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Can I color on your dick again?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I'm bleeding and have questions
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
