hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
