Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
