Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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