Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
