i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
