I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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