So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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