Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
