Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
