It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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