I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
