i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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