I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
