My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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