My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
