They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
