Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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