Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize