Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
