I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
