I think scott just propositioned me for sex
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
