WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Randomize
