I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
