K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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