So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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