separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
