I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
