Sorry, I don't speak sober.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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