Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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