So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Randomize
