Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
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