Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
