You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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