I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Randomize
