things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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