I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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