why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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