I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
