This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
