i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
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