I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Even the bartender felt bad for me
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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