seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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