we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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