he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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