I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
