there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize