I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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