I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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