When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize